I try to tell my mom every time we talk that I love her. To some extent, my dad too, but he doesn’t take that shit lol. My sisters every time I see them. Right now, I feel like no-one loves me, because I haven’t even been hearing those words from anyone. Knowing you’re loved, and hearing some one say they love you, are miles apart. I haven’t heard that in a long time. I really miss it. I hope I can find someone who feels it for me. I have a lot of love dying to be given. To be honest, I have someone who I have a lot of love for, but I don’t think she’s interested in working on it again. I kind of wish she did, but at the same time I’m so reticent. I always wanted to marry my best friend… and there is someone who fits that bill, on top of the physical attraction et all and so forth. But that don’t matter.
What’s right never seems to matter in my life? All that matters is getting pushed to the edge of my emotions, and then seeing if the elastic pulls back to it’s original form.
I think it’s fucking adorable how my cat always seems to groom/clean himself when I’m gone out for the evening. It’s almost like he wants to make sure he’s all handsome and stray fur free for me when I get home. I love you Voodoo.
I don’t understand why girls find it so hard to understand that when you act perfectly fine towards everyone but me, I’m going to think something is wrong between us. When you are talking to everyone happily, yet are giving me one word answers, it’s going to feel like you don’t want to talk to me. How is it MY FAULT for coming to that conclusion?
and the trend starts again where I feel like I have horrible luck finding a female that wants to spend time with me. Even though it’s not the case, the dice keep rolling that way. I’m starting to feel very anxious. I don’t want to run out of time.
Sometimes I want to tear my brain out of my head and throw it at the nearest concrete object as hard as possible. People say things to try to make me better, and they end up making me feel worse because my brain decides to examine the statement way too much and then apply it in manners it wasn’t meant for.
Tonight I went out to meet a group of people whom have never before seen me wearing glasses (only contact lenses). When I work, glasses make sense. Too much dust and shit blowing out of computers that I am fixing to expect comfortable contact lens wearing for more than an hour. I went straight from work today, because I got off at 9pm and didn’t want to be out too late, going home would add too much time. I just feel more confident without my glasses, and this was the first time any of these people were seeing me with them. This grated on me. Wearing glasses feels like it accents my lack of facial symmetry. This does not play well with my vicious perfectionist streak.
(For reference - my nose has been broken 3 times, and never set. My eyes are ever so slightly off line from my ears. My teeth are quite straight for someone who has never had a retainer or braces of any sort, but my teeth line is slightly wonky, but you can’t tell unless you carefully examine it. Really, most of the imperfections are hard to tell, but I know they are there).
My friend who I met this group and I are texting after I leave, she wasn’t out tonight. She says to me “They didn’t notice, I promise.” So of course, because I can’t just accept anything without an explanation, I tell her I really appreciate her saying that (because I do, it means a lot when people make an effort to lift my spirits in any way, and she’s always genuine about it), and then I ask how she knows. She says (after a few other words) “… you don’t notice the faults in people you like after a while, if you ever did.” Truer words have never been spoken! Hold on though, my brain is going to play with this, and make me feel like shit.
I rarely see faults in people I like, and even if I do see any I ignore them. My response “… that makes sense, but makes me feel a bit (a lot) lame. I notice every fault in myself… and by that token >.<”
Yeah, apparently I just don’t really like myself. This is what I come away with from her trying to make me not worry about something hardly anyone notices unless I point it out. You know what though, in a fucked up way, this doesn’t bother me. Every reason I can think of to not like myself makes sense, and there’s not much to do but accept it. I’m not butt hurt over it, as much as it may seem like it. No wallowing in self pity, just a bit of resignation in understanding and acceptance.
Now many people would be up in arms to hear me say I don’t really like myself. Relax. Seriously. I haven’t done anything to be overly proud of. I don’t have any pieces of paper with my name on them saying I studied something really hard for a long time and know it well. I don’t have any proof of the abilities I employ fixing computers every day better than warranty approved technicians. I have no wife who’s days I make special, nor any kids that I teach to be positive influences on the people, places and things they encounter. I feel like I’ve done nothing of import. Yes I know I’m not stupid. I have many people I consider intelligent that consider me the smartest person they know. I probably am, all humility aside. I do have an army of proof to throw out if I need to. Yes I know I’m good at a lot of things. What have I done with all my talents though? I feel like the only things that validate my existence are the people who would miss me if I was gone, not anything that I’ve given to the world or accomplished. I know I’m not dead yet, and I have lots of life ahead of me. But I understand why I don’t like myself. When something makes logical sense, I can’t be mad at it.
This could all also explain why I so often feel totally out of place. If I’m not happy with myself, how would I feel comfortable with large groups of people I don’t know? It’s a playpen for neuroticisms and paranoias. Funny, weed makes me less paranoid.
This isn’t saying I hate myself or my life or anything. I really do love life. I try my best to get as much enjoyment out of it as I can, maybe to make up for all the disappointment I feel in myself. I do a pretty good job too, most times (of enjoying life that is). That feels a bit shallow though, no?
I really like reading your posts. You write them very well - simple and straightforward - this kind of honest writing is rare. Also like your self-deprecating sense of humor. I don't get much of a chance to read people's text posts anymore since my dash is crowded with self-righteous bullshit or vanity posts all the time (I liked it better when I had very little people to follow) but I'll make sure I keep coming back from time to time to read your posts. I had pet cats growing up too, btw :)
Wow, really? I don’t know what to say… well, thanks of course! I never really thought anyone appreciated my text posts much. I agree it’s hard to sift through the trash to find the gems worth tumbling for sometimes. Thanks for taking the time to read, and I hope I can provide more of the same or better. Also - cats rule. Cheers!
me - Alrighty, well we are done then. Wish you the best my dear. apparently you don’t even care! tells me all I need to know and more.
her - it’s not that i don’t care. I just don’t know if we should be friends. I know you like me and it makes hanging out with you hard.
me - you don’t have to worry about that anymore.
I didn’t expect to hear anything back after that. A day passed, and much to my surprise…
her - Well I still think you’re an amazing person and I hate for us to leave on bad terms. If you don’t want to talk I understand but you should check out this video. Totally makes me think of you. Ed Sheeran - Drunk.
To this I have yet to respond. I think I want to say something, but I have no idea what I want to or even should say. Another day has passed (nearly). I don’t understand why she came back with that, after she seemed somewhat relieved that things had come to a close between us. Why worry about parting on bad terms?
Pretty much shut the door on Michelle tonight. I kinda feel shitty for giving up. I hope you get nothing but the best out of life girl. I’m sorry that…
No, fuck that. I’m not sorry for anything. I didn’t do anything wrong, you started it all, it ain’t my fault you are how you are. I’ve got nothing to apologize for, so hey, good luck to you, and peace.
People call him the dog whisperer, but if you have a cat that is brought up in a healthy environment, there are strangely many principles that can be applied to cats as well.
Yeah I know, cats and dogs are hella different. I’ve grown up with dogs until I got kicked out of my parents’s house pretty much, and after that cats. They are both incredible beings. They are markedly different, but don’t discount that they are both incredibly intelligent!
I’ve had Voodoo since he was less than 3 weeks old. Over 6 years later, sure, he has the run of the house. Sure, I spoil him rotten. He refuses to take a dominant position though. Every time I try to give him the opportunity, he slinks away, or sits down and cuddles with me. I talk to friends that have cats, and so many talk about the cat dominance in the house. I just don’t know what that’s like. My boy acts like my loyal dog. Comes when I call, shuts up when I tell him to, comes to bed when it’s time.
Someone said they hate cats because they only love you when they need something. My reply was, teach your cat to think it always wants something from you. It’s worked for me.
Why do customer’s get pissed off at me when I tell them that since I don’t work for microsoft, there’s nothing I can do to help them with issues with their COA not activating in Windows and they need to contact Microsoft? Seriously. I don’t have access to their fucking activation servers, and I can’t ‘fix’ something that’s probably your boneheadedness making you enter in the key wrong.
In a significant decision, the Punjab and Haryana High Court last week ruled that the right to abort a pregnancy in a marriage rests with the wife and not husband.
“A woman is not a machine in which raw material is put and a finished product comes out. She should be mentally prepared to conceive, continue the same and give birth to a child. The unwanted pregnancy would naturally affect the mental health of the pregnant woman…” said the court.
Stressing that marital intimacy between a couple does not automatically translate to the woman’s consent to child bearing, Justice Jitendra Chauhan said, “Mere consent to conjugal rights does not mean consent to give birth to a child for her husband.” Welcoming the judgement, Jagmati Sanwan, All India Democratic Women’s Association national vice-president said, “If the family conditions are unsuitable, no woman would like to give birth to a child because after all, she is the one who takes care of the children for all practical purposes. We see around us that fathers often desert their families after a couple of deliveries. But children become a part and parcel of the mother’s physical and emotional world. She invests much into their well being and she alone suffers. Hence, the rights of whether to give birth or not, should be with her.”
Take note, America.
Good work, India.
“A woman is not a machine in which raw material is put and a finished product comes out.”
^That is NOT a hard concept to understand.
“A woman is not a machine in which raw material is put and a finished product comes out. She should be mentally prepared to conceive, continue the same and give birth to a child. The unwanted pregnancy would naturally affect the mental health of the pregnant woman…”
“marital [ETA: sexual] intimacy between a couple does not automatically translate to the woman’s consent to child bearing.”
These are in fact very simple concepts, Republicans. I’m astonished you can’t seem to grasp them.
much love to my parents’s home soil of Punjab. This is the kind of thing a lot more of the fucking world needs to realize. I’m proud of how far people in India have come. Keep fighting the good fight, everyone, everywhere.
Seriously? The one fucking time my brain is raging and I need to talk to someone who gets me, and NO-ONE IS FUCKING ONLINE? are you fucking kidding me? out of all the fucking people? ugh. fine. i’ll just sit here and wallow in derisive insulting self-deprecating bullshit until i realize I’m being an idiot. And then I’ll realize on top of that that I’m also either stupid or blind. Fuck sakes.
Good thing I only have 1 more day off.
Yay! Ex-girlfriend to the rescue. HAHA. That really sounds bad eh? Well, to be fair, she was my longest relationship. Honestly, she knows me really fucking well (probably on par with my closest 12+ yr friends and my immediate family). She’s an incredibly intelligent girl too. We simply didn’t work out together, though we gave it a good shot. So thanks (you know who you are, if you read this)!
Man… the heart is such a fucked up thing. My demented side wishes I could pull mine out and take pictures of it so I could figure out why the fuck this thing makes my head go topsy turvy. ‘Course, I’m a Bio Sci major, I know full well, it’s all in our brains. But you try to tell that to me when I see her walking to me, or I’ve just made her laugh/smile and my heart starts racing.
I would die for… just…
(for clarification - all above references to ‘her’ or whatever, is all this very same girl I’ve been adoring and spending time with since October last year. Just so I don’t have to say it again, this will probably continue to be the case for a while. Hopefully, for a good reason!)
Not even sure why I do what I do when it works out into this kind of situation. Why do i bother? It just breaks my heart to see broken hearts refuse to let someone mend the break. I feel whole when I fix a break, but I’m getting tired of being counted on for it and then left behind in the dust.